How to Gain 10 Pounds in 2 Weeks

Written by Kyle about United States. Feelin' excited
Cake Finished
This is a good start

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking that you're too skinny and fit; you need to put some weight on.  You have to buy smaller clothes and you're at the same weight you were in high school.  Good thing for you I'm writing this post.

Seriously, though, all the above was true for us after half a year in Myanmar.  Through a combination of walking a lot, climbing 5 flights of stairs to get to our apartment, and a lot of unfortunate stomach problems, we both lost a lot of weight.  We were skinny with a capital "S".  And while I realize that state may be desirable for a large portion of the populace, we felt a little out of place and we wanted to get back to our "normal" weights.

Enter America.

If there's any place to regain those lost pounds, it is the comforting, butter-rich confines of American soil.  It's a land that will deep fry anything and put it on a stick, only to follow that up with dishes that have multiple meats in the name ( like "chicken-fried steak").  Don't get me wrong, it's a tasty combination and we enjoyed as much of it as possible.

So, for those of you looking to gain some extra poundage real quickly, this post is for you.  If you make a successful self-help book out of this advice, please remember to include me in the royalties.

A Good Start to the Day: Pizza and Beer

I make the argument that pizza has a lot of the food groups like grains (crust), vegetables (tomato sauce), dairy (cheese) and meat.  It's a full food group of yumminess all in your hands.  Unfortunately, that grease on the top of each slice comes from somewhere, but I'll believe for now that it's the "good grease".  Kind of like the "good cholesterol".
Since the pizza's kind of healthy, it should be followed-up with a beer.  Not that low calorie stuff, though.  Like real beer that gives an aptly named beer belly.  ( Granted, you can do better than a Corona as far as calories are concerned, but when the wife likes it, that's what we go with. )

Dinner on the South Side of Chicago

Should You Encounter Fruit

Should you happen to get your hands on fruit, there are easy ways to have it add on to your "spare tire."  Consider adding chocolate to it.  Or ice cream.  Or both.  Just don't eat it plain; that would be a waste of a perfectly good opportunity to eat chocolate.

Bananas and Chocolate!


Hamburgers are an important and tasty addition to the diet.  It has the essentials of any great food: large percentage of meat, it can be eaten only with your hands, and it has a high probability that some sauce will drip onto your lap.  That's what we in the fattening industry call the trifecta of taste.

All-American Meal


I know that hamburgers are delicious, but those are just a warm-up to a meal that's all about the meat and barbeque is where it is at.  You have to love any food where the steps are 1) Cook meat.  2) Eat and where there is a large roll of paper towels on each table to clean up the meat juices that have inevitably covered your arms up to your elbows.

Don't forget your side of deep fried carbohydrate sticks!

Oklahoma Joe's BBQ, Kansas City
Some of the best BBQ in the world at Oklahoma Joe's


"Happiness is encased meats, my friend."

Following the proven formula of meat inside of bread, one has to have hot dogs as a part of a weight gaining diet.  While hotdogs at the baseball park used to be the way to go, let's face it: those things are now skinny little imitations of what a hotdog should be.  A good hotdog should have the meat spilling outside of the bun and enough other stuff on it that you worry about making a mess all over yourselves.

Case in point: the curry dog with smoked Gouda at Hot Doug's.  Sure it's a little posh for a dog, but you're taste buds and budding muffin top can't resist this:

Curry Dog with Smoked Gouda, Hot Doug's, Chicago
Not pictured: the amazing froi grois and duck sausage hotdog.

Birthday Cake

Ah, the desert of champions.  Eggs, milk, and flour all topped by a thick layer of refined sugar.  If this can't get the weight back on, nothing will, especially if you lay it heavy on the frosting.

That's a cake

If once doesn't do it, try again:

The Birthday Cake

Or, go for a third one

Bessie's Birthday at Rachel's House 2011

In all, we had a grand total of 5 birthday cakes in a 2 week span, which goes to show you that the main principle of the gain-weight-fast diet is that there is no such thing as too much of a good thing.


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