The History of the Panama Canal, as told by Sarah Palin
When I saw the canal in person, I basically thought it was one of the most boring tourist things that I have seen on this trip. Basically, large boats move really slowly through the locks and then wait for a long time while water is moved from one pool to the next. It's like watching a large bathtub fill with water. Whee!
Yes, yes, I understand that the engineering is really great and that it's amazing it's still running almost 100 years later, bla, bla, but I truly think it is boring. While the process of the Panama Canal is somewhere near paint drying, I have a great interest in the history of the canal. Unfortunately, the history of the canal as told by the museum near the Miraflores Locks, basically goes as so: "A bunch of really happy people from exotic lands came and built the canal for the glory of Panama! Everyone is happy!" So, to find the longer, less sanitized version of the history we had to go to a completely different part of town and visit the Canal Museum in Casco Antiguo.
First, let me say that this museum is truly amazing. There is so much information there that my brain nearly melted trying to absorb it all (well, some of that had to do with all the signage being in Spanish...but, hey, now I know the words for "treaty" and "bond"). We spent a good 2 hours there reading over a lot of the material there and we probably only got to about half of it. What we learned in those 2 hours, however, turned out to be quite an interesting story. And it's a story that you should read for yourself because there's not enough space here to get into all the juicy details (what, you think this site is edumacational?). Instead, I asked someone to explain the history of the Panama Canal who is better than me at condensing a complicated story: Sarah Palin. Without further ado, here you go:
"Well, first I would like to thank Bessie and Kyle for giving me this opportunity. And to all of you 3rd graders out there, give yourself some extra credit for reading this. [wink]"
"Well, first, there were those Spaniards who came over to Panama down there lookin' for gold. Well, they didn't find it, but they did find a big ol' ocean just over the other side there. The king over there in Spain wanted to build a canal right there and then, but gosh darn it, there just wasn't enough good technology back then like we have here in the great United States of America, so they couldn't do it."
"Lots o' years later some French guys decided that they could build a canal there in Panama because they had done it before over in Africa. Bless their hearts they hired some good ol' Joe Six-Packs to do some of that digging but they kept havin' to replace them because of diseases. Eventually after not doing the job well, they stepped aside and let some mavericks from the the greatest country in the world do it: the United States of America."
"The United States of America used its good work ethic and they drilled, baby, drilled until that canal was done. We showed those French that it took a canal outsider to do the job, not some elitist Frenchie who was so engrained in canal politics that he forgot about the people on Main Street."
"So now we got that canal down there and it was running well. With the ingenuity and the good work ethic of the Americans running it, things were good. Unfortunately, some student terrorists in Panama decided to take matters into their own hands and commit acts of terrorism against the United States. Well, we fought back of course and then we didn't talk to Panama for a while because we don't negociate with terrorists."
"Then came along the most liberal president in history, Jimmy Carter, and, you know what he did? He started talking directly to those Panamanians down there. And you know what happened? We just gave it away to them as if it was their land or something. I guess that's what happens when you go pallin' around with terrorists. I know if I were talking with them down there, I wouldn't listen to anyone because I'm a maverick and that's how we do things."
"That reminds me of a joke: You know what would be the difference between a bulldog in the panama canal and me in the panama canal? Lipstick!"
"Thank you, America! May God bless you all!"
What others are saying
Excellent politicking, KC a/k/a SP!! -LOL It's true that the Panama Canal has an amazing history. Watched it on PBS. Fascinating! and not the politest or safest endeavor. About your seeing it first-hand and up-close? I'm jealous! : P
That was actually pretty good. I could hear Palin's voice as I was reading... creepy. Or wait... was it Tina Fey doing an impression of Sarah Palin telling the story of the Panama Canal?
It's probably more of a Tina Fey doing an impression of Sarah Palin, although the real thing is seeming more and more like the impression.
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Hey, Watch out there! Sarah Palin is my Auntie....
by DADDIO at October 22, 2008 09:19 PM