Watching Grandparents Raise Kids and a bit about Korean Families

I sat out near a playground for the last hour or so catching up on NPR podcasts and people watching.  It's nice to slow life down a bit, and just let it happen around you.  I've been making efforts lately to focus on the advantages of living in Korean society, which will come up more in posts to follow.

Something that is ever-present here is grandparents raising kids, and children seldom seeing their fathers or either of their parents.  Coming from Chicago, when I think of grandparents raising kids, I think of the lower-income inner-city stereotype of grandparents taking care of kids, and the parents that are thought to be pretty negligent.  Here in Korea it's a different story of families making sacrifices.  I'll outline the contrasts:


- Giving opportunity to your children is admired.  It's not shameful in Korea (where lots of things can be shameful) to send your kids to live with a relative for a few years if it gives them a better opportunity in life.  I have a Korean co-worker that only saw her son on the weekends for a few years (when he was about 3-5 years old) because her and her husband were both working long hours in another town and her son was with her parents. 

Kyle has a student that got sent to live with his aunt for a month because his parents didn't have time for him.  Working hard means you can send your child to more expensive schools & can take better care of your extended family.  Which segways into the next point:

- Your parents support you, and you support your parents.  This is emotionally and in all parts of life, including financially.  Confucianism says you have a role in society, and you work hard to support your family, including paying your parents well into adulthood.  I have a friend that literally hands over almost all of her monthly paycheck, very gladly, because her parents worked long hours and double jobs to send her to good schools and to the west to study English for 3 years.  She'll probably do this most of her life, her older brother has the added responsibility for caring for his siblings as well as her parents.

- Older people are highly-respected.  This is not to say that their counter-parts in the west are being kicked around in the mud.  However, rank and age heirarchy is extremely important in Korea, and you do everything to honor your elders, including respecting just about their every wish for your life.

- Families live together.  It's typical that people in their 20s, even 30s, live with their parents, especially before marriage, but also after.  A daughter-in-law will commonly move in with her new husband, and stay there a few years, for financial reasons, and to learn the ways of the family.   And when it's possible, the couples first home will be purchased by the groom's parents and the furniture by the bride's.


Pros and Cons
There are many benefits to grandparents taking on much of the early-childhood rearing: children getting to know and respect their grandparents, kids understanding their roots in a country that has changed very rapidly in the past 20 years, and enabling parents to pursue other endeavors. 

However as an educator to these kids that seldom see their fathers or either parent, the down-sides to this are obvious.  The kids sometimes lack strong male role-models.  The kids tell me stories of never seeing their parents, and the unhappiness comes into the classroom.  Kyle ends up tape recording kids bedtimes stories so they hear his voice instead of their parents.  And sometimes the kids just end up with the demeanor of 75 year old at age 5, which is actually sort of hilarious.



All in all, the western and Korean approaches each have their pros and cons.  I think it would be cool someday to have coach house where grammy and other family can stay and come by and hang out with my future kids.  After all, it takes a village to raise a child.