Homesickness is a Bitch

Written by Bessie about Indonesia. Feelin' sad

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing by Silvia de Luque on Flickr

I've never been away from home for this long, and it would be dandy, wonderful, great, if I didn't miss people back home so (your favorite expletive) much. It's been 13 months, and will be 14 months before we get back for a 2 month visit, and we were on the road the year before that. I'm already plotting out the ways to spend those first few days at home maximizing every moment with as many hugs as possible.

My homesickness hurts. I can just describe it as a dull pain that flares up when I least expect it. A cute little girl trails behind her big sister, a Dutch girl my age walks into a restaurant with her mom, and I long - ache - for my own familiar connections. I see families coming together for a local holiday, and I get lost in another space and time. I think the feelings are always with me. Sometimes they're dull beneath the day's activities and some moments they're piercing.

I felt it the most when we were teaching in Korea during those slump months that seemed to drag on for much longer than their allotted 30 days. I try not to remember the lowest of days when my sadness would spew out. Kyle would search for the right thing to say to help me work through it, but that was an uphill battle. I'd sit up late some nights staring out to neighboring apartment buildings wishing the people I loved were behind those windows. That I'd be like my neighbors having big family dinners on Sunday. Those moments sucked.

Being Strong Than the Beast
As I gained better control of the hurt, I found ways to satisfy some of my needs for familiarity and connections. I woke up at odd hours of the night and early mornings to skype with people back home. I filled as many work breaks as I could connecting with friends before they went to bed. Skype video chat may be the #1 reason I was able to survive the year in Korea. (Although I also credit my yoga mat, dark chocolate, and red wine.)

hanging out with my brother & the kiddos on Skype

visiting with Auntie Bessie

With Skype, I got to smile at the people I loved and get beamed thousands of miles into my brother's living room for some family milestones. Family got together to sing happy birthday, and I read Dora books to a captivated audience. Somehow I made special memories with people thousands of miles away. I owe Skype a long love note.

And eventually my life around me filled itself in with new friends facing something of what I battled. Without needing to talk about it, we were all sort of holding each other up. Comrades living in a foreign land, sharing struggles, laughing at ourselves whenever possible. I structured my life with yoga and friends, and I felt more solid again. I had to believe I was stronger than the beast that was my pain. And eventually I was.

our going-away party

On the Road Again and Counting Down
It's easier now that we're moving around a bit, exploring new places and seeing new faces. Adventure can be a great distraction from any internal strife. Although the constant ache still sits hanging out just waiting for reprieve.

These days, I'm just trying to acknowledge the aches of homesickness, allow them to be, and let the moments pass. I find strength in the notion that it can't be nearly as bad as it was. The worst is behind me now. Sometimes my mind wanders off to the slow motion running hugs you see in the movies, but I stop myself before 10 seconds pass to make sure the eye-glazing doesn't explode into waterfall as I'm walking down the street. Staying grounded in the present is key. Before I know it, I'll cross a great blue abyss on June 4th, and I'll indulge my every daydream.

And until then, the best thing I've worked out is to mentally shake my head back straight, close my eyes and send my thoughts of love up into the ethos to reach all those I long to see. I'm thinking of you.

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May 18, 2010 mumsie: Beautifully written, Bessie. I love you, my daughter.
Enjoy Bali, Yoga Girl !!! :)

May 18, 2010 Bessie: Thanks! :) It was a tearful writing experience, but one I've been wanting to bring up on here for a while. It's so hard to talk about homesickness with people back home, because it sort of makes it worse. I just can't wait to get lots of time in my mom!!!!

May 18, 2010 Kristine: We miss you guys too! Can't wait to have you in town! Just know that you have supporters here in the states that marvel at what you are doing and wish we were with you! You can call us any time! :) Love to you both!

May 18, 2010 Bessie: You're too sweet - thanks for the support. Being in touch with people makes it loads easier. See you soon enough!

May 18, 2010 Olivia: Homesickness really is a bitch. I don't know how you guys have done it as long as you have--it's impressive. And BIG HUGE HURRAH for yoga and red wine and skype! And for meeting people who "get it". :-)

May 18, 2010 Bessie: You're on that list of people that "get it" and that made life in Korea much better! It's funny how I really didn't talk about homesickness and that stuff with friends in Korea. With most people, you don't need to, you can just kind of feel it. Miss you doll!

May 18, 2010 Eric: Great article. I haven't been away as long as you have but I understand the homesickness thing. Skype helps but it doesn't replace actually seeing friends and family. It's been hardest on me since my niece was born shortly after I left.

May 18, 2010 Bessie: Thanks for empathizing. I totally relate - I was away when my niece was born and again on her 1st birthday. It sucks to miss those things, but as she's gotten older we interact more on Skype, and I think she thinks I'm a really cool tv show. :)

Travel has its trade-offs.

May 18, 2010 Wendy: I'm so gald you get to come back for a visit soon! Take care until then!

May 18, 2010 Bessie: Thanks Wendy. Hope you're well!

May 18, 2010 DADDIO: I'll sing the bass solo part of "Old Man River" from "Showboat" or "We are singing 'cause the Lord is our life!" from church, just for you when you get home, while Kyle thumps out a beat for us on his bass if he hasn't lost his touch... all of that should make you wish you were back in Thailand! :>) ......... WE MISS YOU ALSO!

May 18, 2010 Bessie: Miss you too! I'm not sure about all that singing, but Kyle was just talking about watching Airplane the other day. :) Looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks!!!

May 19, 2010 Keith: I have the homesickness bug, too. Some people don't quite get it, but when it strikes it is debilitating. I've pondered the subject a bit back at my blog but its origin still baffles me. You are warrior to be gone that long all while battling this "beast."

May 19, 2010 Bessie: Being called a warrior by the traveling savage seems like quite a compliment. :)

It funny that people ask about the things we miss the most thinking it might be food, conveniences from home, whatever, but those things you can adapt to live without. The people we love though - forget it - there's never a substitute. Thanks for reading, Keith!

May 19, 2010 Audrey: We just returned to the States for our second visit of our trip and I have to say it is nice to be around family and friends again. Dan remarked on our first evening when I was hanging around with my mother in the kitchen just how relaxed and at ease I looked.

Although I love life on the road, I have found that the longer we travel the more I realize the importance of my family and having a real community. Homesickness will hit me at random times, but it happens most around holidays - especially Thanksgiving - when I think of everyone getting together to celebrate without me. Just a few more weeks until you'll be replacing those skype video calls with real interactions!! Have fun!

May 23, 2010 Kyle: I think having a real community is the hardest part for us as well. With moving around so much, it's hard to have connections with people as everyone is headed somewhere else.

Thanks for the support. It's good to hear we're not the only ones struggling with this!

May 20, 2010 Ben: Bessie, what a beautiful note... and wow do I love my babes in that picture!

Take this advice as seriously as you would figure it is for sweetBen to appear as a total prick AND put it in writing.

When you come to Illinois you will be welcomed with love and admiration, nostalgia and constant hugs. But, for some reason it will undeniably come with an emotional dumping from all directions like you have never felt before. It will be the "Shock N Awe" of emotional dumping and you will want to be back in Korea after the first week. You will hear things like "well, YOUR BROTHER" "well, YOUR MOTHER" "well, YOUR FATHER" "well, Those CHILDREN" "well, THAT GIRL" "well, WE ALL KNOW WHY" "well, I JUST want to know WHY" "did you KNOW that in 1994" "well, YOU DO KNOW WHAT YOU DID"

I hope you enjoyed the sampling and take it seriously enough to make a useful and loving schedule for you and Kyle that is everything you want it to be.

When you come to my house and kiss my babes, there will only talk of the present great time and the future we are building, you will love it.

Feel free to erase this message or gather up the cheery comments following it :)

Love you forever Bess & Kyle, best of luck on the trip back here!
Ben++

May 27, 2010 Bessie: Can't wait to see you guys and make good memories. We're looking forward to good visits with family, and hope there aren't too many surprises or strange things. My favorite quote lately is, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss. It's easier said than done sometimes, but something I'd love to live by. I've learned I can't please everyone.

Love you too & can't wait to see you!!

May 21, 2010 Earl: You certainly captured a major challenge that most travelers are forced to deal with. My only consolation is that the longer I've been on the road, the more my friends and family want to visit me wherever I may be traveling or living. However, the stretches in between those visits and my occasional trips home can be quite tough. I have also realized that when I am back in the US, such as right now, after a couple of weeks everyone has their own life to live and their own routine to follow, forcing my visions of never-ending excitement to be cut short! And that's when I'm ready to leave once again...

Excellent post Bessie!

May 23, 2010 Kyle: I'm sure that we'll probably come to the same conclusions as you, but for now, we want to disturb their routines and visit our families :)

May 21, 2010 Linda: You have now discovered something that I have known internally all my life.....travel and adventure are fun, but home and family are irreplaceable. Sometimes you simply have to be "away" to reach that realization.

May 24, 2010 Laura: Homesickness is hard to deal with. Solo travel makes it tough because there's days when I want to vent or seek comfort and it may not happen. I've found Skype on this trip has made a huge difference for me. There's something about being able to see my family that has helped (in comparison to just an email or a phone call last trip).

May 25, 2010 Kyle: Skype is a pretty amazing tool. I think we'd feel even worse if we didn't have it. It's been a while since either of us has been a solo traveler, but I can imagine it's even harder to deal with when there is no one there to listen to you. But, I guess if traveling didn't have any downsides, everyone would do it.

Thanks for the support. Keep on exploring!